I initially didn't want this one to be projected onto this screen...I did't want to spray the grey melancholic spots to the other hearts- a destruction like by virus- a "string of nucleic acid with attitude"- bouncing my head like a ball-springing up and down...from sympathy to sorrow...from sympathy to empathy...but I couldn't deceive my heart so long...couldn't hold that grief from being articulated.
She always put on a smiling foolish face infront of me...silently embarrassingly grinning at my snobbish remarks on her lack of sophistry in taste and intelligence. For me she was just "silly and simple"...the "silly" in this pair of adjective was larger and bolder in font to my view than the "simple"...It would be more proper to say that I actually remained callous to her "simplicity"...in fact to anything "simple". Her "missing you" and "need you beside me" text messages were just another set of cliches for me added to other soulless pretentious friendship messages with which I daily let my inbox to be filled with. And so my outbox and her inbox were equally empty. And then there were silences in between. Silences to which I brutally remained impervious and added to her wounds over wounds.
She always put on a smiling foolish face infront of me...silently embarrassingly grinning at my snobbish remarks on her lack of sophistry in taste and intelligence. For me she was just "silly and simple"...the "silly" in this pair of adjective was larger and bolder in font to my view than the "simple"...It would be more proper to say that I actually remained callous to her "simplicity"...in fact to anything "simple". Her "missing you" and "need you beside me" text messages were just another set of cliches for me added to other soulless pretentious friendship messages with which I daily let my inbox to be filled with. And so my outbox and her inbox were equally empty. And then there were silences in between. Silences to which I brutally remained impervious and added to her wounds over wounds.
Things became tragic lately. A physically and mentally decaying beloved is something terrible. "I never imagined that he would become like this...almost like a caged animal...", as she hardly finished her words I gruffly intruded with my scoldings over the phone for her "uncivilized metaphor"...but she stuttered and stammered at the other end in between my short pause..."but it is like that...exactly like that...worse than animal...my dad...my hero...now in a lonely room...just existing...with no memory...no taste ...no desires...just a diseased body...simply existing...unaware of his own existence". As she bursted out in tears I groped for words with a pain in my throat tightening my nerves ...I was in no way eloquent in consolations! With what philosophy would I console her for philosophies are now like open eyed corpses just like fate, apathetic to an excruciating human life. All that she demanded was some kindness from me...costless kindness of words and understanding...atleast a calm listening. As I flied from sympathy to empathy holding the phone tightly gripped in between my sweating fist I couldn't see those grey spots in the white walls of my room for hot tears swelled my sight. As I closed my eyes there were only the bigger red red spots taunting at my coldness and reservations, screaming for a reparation. If it was something from a sentimental melodramatic movie I would have dissected this "empathy" and related its cause to "mirror neurons" and "soft-wired brain" proved by empathetic psychoanalysis. But here there was only "pain" at those moments...pain and nothing else..."simply" pain...so simple...just like her! I was aware that the simple was the unfathomable...the simple was the complex...but never felt it so simply...so unfathomably!
Its all so simple, people fall sick.. a daughter's grief over her father's vegetable existence is unbearably sad.. the need to lean on to a friend is natural.. the friend's inability to decipher the simple but unspelt facts and feel is again a simple occurence... but to realise atlast that it had never been so simple .. is of grave impact.
ReplyDeleteThe more we tune ourselves to sophistication, are we not losing our basic instincts at seeing the most evident facts? I wonder.
Each experience is a learning nasnin dear.. the philospher in you thrives on any simple thread!
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ReplyDeleteIt is quite touchy .I love your post .
ReplyDeleteA very moving post and a lesson to be learned here. Pygmalion really nailed it on all accounts. I think the most important thing we can do in a friendship is to *simply* listen when the other person needs an ear to cry in :-) If less is more then maybe simple is big :-)
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Nasnin :)
Yes the simple and plain feeling without layers.. touches and caresses us always, remember the simple smile of a child.. But complicating our self with different layers seem to be more of a need.. as no one has time for others.. ah my mind just would go on and on..
ReplyDeleteNow keeping this aside, about the post, I liked it.. no I just loved it.. for it creates a pain in my throat too.. loved the emotional narrative style, that just soaks up the reader.. Some where I read that “hold up your tears, so the audience would cry..” but in your words I found a contratry, cry out and make others too.. :)
Simply super..!
very moving and very passionate post... that is why i said you are an excellent writer...
ReplyDeleteand the line about virus "nucleic acid with an attitude" i loved it...i am gonna post this at my fb ...hope you dont mind :)
@Pygma: "The more we tune ourselves to sophistication, are we not losing our basic instincts at seeing the most evident facts?"...this is the very thought that has been troubling me greatly...;) Thanks Pygma...you make me think upon once again what I have written...and that's what make you a wonderful and critical reader...:-)
ReplyDelete@Izdiher: Thanks sweety:-)
@Fiona: Thanks dear...I really didn't intend to post this because of its too much gloominess in it....but thought it's something which I should share to other hearts:-)
@KP: Thanks KP....I didn't much care for the artistry in this posts since it was something too touching for me...you are right dear...simple layer of feeling touches and caresses always:-) Take care my love:-)
@Israr: Yeah me too loved that line...it is something which I quoted from philosopher Dan Dennett's exploration on the concept of "memes"! And yes ofcourse you can share it on fb:-) Anything interesting should be shared:-)
Its a touching post Nasnin. Full of pain, grief and feelings that one will go through in life.. When a friend is in need, indeed give your shoulders.. There could be nothing bigger than this that can console the torn heart...
ReplyDeleteIt's a touching post as everybody else said. But what I liked is the way you narrated using words silly and simple in the initial paragraphs...
ReplyDeleteSaru
very nice piece!
ReplyDeletethankz for dropping by my page and leaving a comment...thankz for following ..I liked your page too..following you now:)
A touching narrative!
ReplyDeleteIts soo damn touching! Kudos to ur writing :)
ReplyDelete@ Anand: Thanks Anand! Grief and pain make us simple and caring...:-)
ReplyDelete@Saru: Thanks dear:-)
@Mishi: Nice blog you have! Reached your page by Israr's! Thanks for visiting!
@Rahul Bhatia: Thanks a lot:-)
@Bhagya: Thank you so much dear:-)
Yes - sometimes simplicity becomes a very difficult and a painful reality.
ReplyDeleteVery moving post.
Nasnin, you will be most welcome to join my site.
I am following you now.
Thank you so much for visiting my blog and following it:-)
ReplyDeleteLovely <3<3
ReplyDeleteYOu have no idea how deeply moved I was by this post...I have a unfortunate experience of being in the shoes of your unfortunate friend.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, following you now.
Drop by at my blog too :)
www.sadafhafeez.blogspot.com