Monday, October 8, 2012

To churn my dreams within the vortex of your eyes!


Sometime there is this piercing loudness of the subconscious voice. It grows louder with a violence so destructive and inexorable. And then all the past musings that the mind had undergone lie somewhere like a cold corpse mocking at the absurd existence it had all these time. Mocking at the smiles it had smiled, the giggles and the goose bumps, the laughter and the momentous joys, stormy sorrows and turbulent love. Loneliness brings a murkiness, an emptiness that the mind never wants to confront with a hanging head and weary eyes. It imagines weird moments and possible disasters that you have read or heard occurred to someone somewhere before. Sometimes I feel there are thousand bits of shriek brewing deep down in the chambers that I myself fail to render even by a sigh. Or my voice cannot reach me as if I watch me drowning on a pond from a window far above on a rainy day, with a mind wet and feverish, frozen and lifeless.

There comes a burning stir in the gut when an impulse of alienation circles me amidst a crowd. The thought of never being understood by anyone, I cannot fully utter my feelings and ideas with a zest I had sometime before. I look at people’s eyes and find a kind of absorption that tells me to speak only what they want to hear. Eyes that show within one glance all their fatigue, preoccupations and conditions that they have assimilated in this life. It’s as if they have been here for centuries and tired of getting aged anymore. I can hold hands and still never felt to be touched at all. I can talk and cannot hear myself. 

Nothing exciting like a blue shaded dream where the unsettling sea showing its power by pulling my leg and making me dizzy, a sensation of moving and moving without moving at all. The surge of water, the bubbling froth, the swishing noise, all bear a whole world that brings disturbance arousing a tickling rage that was in a long slumber. And then you are like fluid, formless, fitting to be contained anywhere. To be poured on to a glass, going beyond the brim, be spilled and flow and get evapourated. Sometimes I enjoy fancying myself falling for an unrequited love. Loving someone who fails to comprehend your art of love so unique and intense would be fascinating. To churn your dreams within the vortex of your eyes. The pain gnawing your days, the longings, the frustration and jealousy scrubbing my existence into a sparkling crystal. Emotions embarking a new travel that wipe off the haziness on the path that hampered by a sober ordinariness. I yearn to love than to be loved. I may lack passion but not the appreciation of it. I may lack emotion but not the recognition of it. And I wish to be less indifferent to the ones who don’t seem so appealing to me. There are legendary souls yet to be discovered. Fallacious impressions should not be allowed to dissipate the chances of knowing them. There is an old dilapidating castle within me that has to be demolished just to grow a garden full of intoxicating grapes that was forbidden to be tasted for ages. And there will be a time to pluck some by the hands that watered it. And then the sky will be grey and the storm will begin.