'Waste in Niggarding'...

At times I make a conscious effort to better the "flexibility of my adamancy" in being "inexpressive". Can adamancy be ever flexible since "adamancy" itself stands for "inflexibility"?  May be it's feasible for a person who finds comfort in the belief of being "partially adamant"! Somewhere from my childhood I picked up the romantic impression that "silence" is more charming than "voice". My dad always had and still has a silent understanding with my quiet withdrawals, has an unsaid appreciation on my dull tastes...his understandings were silent and beautiful. That’s why when I texed him once a short apology grieving myself at my thoughtless misbehavior he didn't bother to reply but brought me my favourite audio book with an implicit smile sparkling in his eyes to cheer me up. I badly wanted to show him that I have always known his "voice of silence" but with great difficulty I blinked back my "expressions" convincing myself that "he knows that I know that he knows!" [Now this reminds me of my heroic concept about my father figure. During my early teens (and sometimes even now) my dad was my yardstick with which I measured the likableness, dignity and individuality of "the other guys". Freud might state this precisely as a part of "father fixation". And how far I have changed the adamancy in that perception pattern is a question I deliberately keep away from confrontation].

A tincture of "expression" is wanting among the variegated shades of my idiosyncrasies. Expressions of???  emotions...closeness...the manifestation of my sentimentality. I find myself least demonstrative when it comes to the unfurling of affections. It's as if I am hoarding at one corner all the fondness that's destined to be gushed out at the right time and at the right circumstance. And later when I have to patch up for my frugality I find myself floundering...expressions slipping and sliding...

In Shakespeare's words,
Making a famine where abundance lies, 
 Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel
....makest waste in niggarding....
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee. 

  Wasting the “expressions” in "niggarding". 

PS: I really long for that skill to depersonalize what I write (See...again that adamancy of in-expressiveness...it's like a virus!). Eliot said that writing should be a "continuous extinction of personality" rather than the "expression of personality" which I cannot conceive at all. I hope that the dominance of subjectivity in these "expressions" is humble enough to derive "universality". Each post is an "expression" which I have failed to express somewhere.